Let me preface this whole blog by saying that I am generally not an overly emotional person. Sure, I cry when I watch The Notebook, but those are heartbreak tears. You know, tears because I realize every time I watch that movie that Ryan Gosling is probably never going to pick me up on a dock in the pouring rain and kiss me like that. I’m pretty sure most women cry for the same reason each time they watch it. Anyways, as I was saying, I tend to do well with my emotions for the most part. When my babies were born, clearly the happiest days of my life, but I didn’t cry. When my kids get hurt or do something amazing, I don’t shed tears. You probably get my point.
Today, well today is a different day. I have known this day was coming for 5 years, 11 months and 15 days. As much as I thought I would be ready for this and would send him off with a smile and a wave, well I thought wrong. In all fairness, I had every right to believe that I would be sending my baby off to kindergarten in the same building as me, right down the hall. Now that doesn’t seem so scary. I pictured us walking in together on our first day, him hanging out in my classroom until it was time for him to walk down to his new classroom, all in a school he was very comfortable with because I had been teaching there for years. And then that idea was no more. Once I stopped teaching, the reality that he would be going to a school that neither he nor I was familiar with sank in. I don’t know his teacher, I don’t know his principal, I don’t know any of the kids in his class, and that is just downright scary, and actually probably how every non-teaching parent feels when they send their kid to school for the first time. But I wasn’t prepared for this.
As we sit here (me, Kinsler and Arleigh) in this quiet house, I feel like I left my heart in that classroom this morning. I have so many emotions about this and I just don’t know which emotion I should let win. I am so proud of the boy he has become and I know he will soar academically. Last night he read a book to me instead of me reading to him. Seriously, the kid is going to soar academically. For that, I am proud. I am also proud of his kind heart. Last night I explained to him that some kids might be crying because they are scared. He told me he would try to make them feel better. For that I am proud. I am also a little bit excited that he is off to school and I will have time again during the day to work. Okay, I am only a little excited about that. But mostly, I am terrified. I am terrified that he is going to be scared or sad or frustrated or get lost in the big new school or trip and fall down on his new shoelaces or not make any friends or get sick at lunch or pee his pants or miss his old school. I know I am rambling. So, I feel like my heart is sitting in that classroom, in that tiny little chair, at that little table, in Room 105. If his heart breaks or even hurts for any reason, I feel like I am going to fall apart with him. Let’s hope for his sake and mine that his heart is happy when I pick him up in 5 hours and 43 minutes.
To all mothers out there sending their babies to school for the first time, I know exactly how you feel. They keep telling me it will get easier and that he will be just fine, so I am going to tell you the same. It will get easier and your baby is going to be just fine!
